Giving Up Wine

Ha, this one did actually make me laugh. Hope you laugh too! ---PEF

Giving Up Wine









I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of
dollars for dinner.



I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you
this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'



'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.



'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.



'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive.'



'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.



'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done
in 20 years!'



'Well, I said, ' I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going
to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'



The homeless Woman was
shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know
I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'



I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks
like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

We know you usually delete these...yeah...

My friend just sent this to me...and normally I delete these but HOLY COW I am glad I read it. I don't know if you have all heard of the website www.snopes.com it is a website that will tell you if a story or forward that has been sent to you is true.
Anyways, this is about the GOLDEN COMPASS. I am so glad I read it because I was totally planning on going to see the movie. Not anymore that is for sure!! Please read this. This is probably a good heads up for everyone. Read below and check the link:

There is a series of books out called the Golden Compass. They are
making the first into a movie coming out Dec. 7th. I thought you all
might be interested in checking it out before letting you kids read the book or go to the


movies to see it. I added the link so you can read about it.

http://snopes.com/politics/religion/compass.asp

Saturday Night Live

Just another forward with a url in it! I know you want to click it!
---PEF

This is hysterical…so rare that SNL makes fun of the democrats.

http://www.deadlinehollywooddaily.com/mystery-of-missing-snl-bailout-skit-explained-nbccom-took-it-down-for-legal-reasons-will-put-back-up-edited-version-today/

The Most Annoying Kinds of Forward

Ok, 1. This is just annoying because it clogs people's inboxes. 2. Its annoying because it shows how many people are dense and don't realize its annoying so they hit Forward 3. The part that made me laugh was the auto signature at the very bottom. Nothing says special like the inability to spell.---PEF








I'm Moving!
SIKE!!!!!!!! HAHA!!!!!!!!!

ITS PRETTY FUNNY THAT YOU OPENED THIS BECAUSE...
in the next seven days you will:

1. Have someone fall in love with you
2. Find a $20.00 bill on the ground
3. Go out with the person you like
4. Your best friend will get you a really nice gift
BUT...
First you will have to repost this with this title:
IM moving to (a random place)!
TAG UR IT!!
*Repost this and see how many people you scare!
* No Send Backs!
* Send this to 10 people in the next 143 min.
When you are done press F6 and your crushes name will appear on the
screen in big letters.
This is so scary cuz it works!!
If you break the chain you will have problems with...
~~ relationships
~~your job/school
~~Your family
...for the next 5 years
JUST COPY AND PASTE!!!
Im Moving (jk)
SIKE!!!!!!!! HAHA!!!!!!!!!


--
yesterday is the past tommorow is the future today is a gift we call the present
~alex rocha luvvs u like a sibling






--
remember... your special'
Manda

Smart Blonde Woman

Who doesn't love a good blonde joke once in a while? Especially when the blonde actually makes good for once.... ---PEF

Smart blonde woman.

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his smart, blonde wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?'

'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

Little Johnny

I think Little Johnny has been making the rounds for quite some time judging by the time stamp. ---PEF


> >Sent: Tuesday, August 17, 1999 5:05 PM
> >Subject: jokes
> >
> >
> >> I got these from a friend of mine, they are kind of funny -- Missy
> >>
> >> Little Johnny
> >> >
> >> > A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
> >> > She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're
> >> > stupid,stand up!"
> >> > After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said,
> >> > "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
> >> > "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
> >> >
> >> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
> >> >
> >> > Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold
> >> > cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make
> >myself
> >> > beautiful, "said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a
> >> >tissue.
> >> > "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
> >> >
> >> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
> >
> >> >
> >> > The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in
> >> > class.
> >> > She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
> >> > Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon network!
> >> >
> >> >*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
> >> >
> >> > At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
> >> > including human beings. Little Johnny a child in the kindergarten
> >class,
> >> >seemed
> >> > especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of
> >> > Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down
> >> > as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little
> >> > Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going have a
> >> > wife."
> >> >
> >> >~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
> >> > Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
> >> > police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of
> >> > the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture
> >> > and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the
> >> > policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
> >> > Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his
> >picture?"
> >> >
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

TV Converter for Seniors

You know what I love more than a pesky email forward? A forward that just has a url in it because whoever decided to start forwarding it was too lazy to embed the dang information. Because when I check my email I am so thrilled to browse the entire internet in search of a joke some stranger thought I'd like, right?
---PEF

Who says technology is too complicated for old people?

Subject: TV Converter For Seniors

http://www.hulu.com/watch/36608/talkshow-with-spike-feresten-cable-psa

You Could Be on Television!

So, in an unusual turn of Forwards History, this forward is actually legit. You should apply. You might get in! And then we can all watch you on PBS and talk about how we got this email forwarded to us, but we were too insecure or lazy to apply. ---PEF





Get Behind the Wheel with Roadtrip Nation in 2009!

What are you going to do with your summer?

Right now, Roadtrip Nation is looking for young people to hit the road and travel across the United States in our big Green RVs. Journeying with a purpose, interviewing amazing individuals across the nation that are doing what they love, and exploring wonderful things across the country helps guide roadtrippers as they define their own roads in life. The roadtrip will be filmed to share with others on Roadtrip Nation's 2010 PBS television series. Hit the road today for an experience of personal exploration that you'll never forget.

The Details:
• Each roadtrip is approximately 6 weeks long and will be filmed June – August 2009.
• You can apply as an individual or with two of your friends in a team of three.
• You choose the route, select the interviews, and drive the RV.
• For more information, or to begin your application, visit www.roadtripnation.com/apply. Application Round One closes December 22, 2008, so start your application today.

If you're ready to push your personal boundaries and to define your road in life, apply for Roadtrip Nation!

Questions? Contact Kristin@roadtripnation.com.

Gift Wrapping Tips for Men

I think we all would read this and have a chuckle. Which is why I keep receiving it, year after year after year...oh well, I hope you enjoy it! ----PEF

GIFT WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas,
when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went to see the
baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him
gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh." These are simple words, but if
we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often
overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo,
the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was
festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to
throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it!
That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth
his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than
the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very
first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people
giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of
putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is
not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical
survey of two guys I know.

One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such
a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."

The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of
principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had
to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They
were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can
never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of
cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size
of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping,
you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I
camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)

If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower
half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping
paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women,
actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires
batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close
to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife
would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies
that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am
presenting:

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the
recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can
claim that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to
make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple
sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and
liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just
put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it.
This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky
recipient on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.

YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.

YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give,
or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time
of year, is that you save the receipt.

~Male Author Unknown~

Sugar Babies

Yep, these got forwarded. Because we all want to think about eating babies when we're trying to answer emails right?--PEF

Here is a little dessert for the imagination,

These are made of cake frosting but who would take a bite?

Thought you'd be as fascinated with these! These are made of marzipan....really unbelievable! While some of the faces may look 'crafted! ' rather than 'real', every detail is amazing, and the rest looks VERY real. Be blessed and enjoy the artist's talent.

Definition of Marzipan Almond paste: a sweet paste made of ground almonds and sugar, often with egg whites or yolks, used as a layer in cakes or molded into ornamental shapes

Cancer must be cured--NOW!!!

You know that if you don't forward it, then no cure will be YOUR fault. Of course. And that is why you forwarded this to me, right? Sure. I have no idea what the I 6 Y even means. But the pretty colors will make me want to read the email! (not).--PEF

A favor to ask, it only takes 10 seconds....
*I * 6 *Y

Please tell ten friends to tell ten today! The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on 'donating a mammogram' for free (pink window in the middle).

This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors /advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising.

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.

http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/

AGAIN, PLEASE TELL 10 FRIENDS TO TELL 10 TODAY

Thoughts By Ducky

I thought we all could use a little more irony, sarcasm, and wit in our lives. Afterall, its not like any of us had to put up with that from miscellaneous relatives on Turkey Day at all! Hey, with these little gems, you can be the entertaining wiz at the table during Christmas dinner. ---PEF

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.
	How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
	I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
	Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
	Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it.... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
	Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Bumper sticker of the year: 'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Ya just might want to pass this along....

---

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Location Matters...

This one is great. Who doesn't have anything to do but wonder what the people in other states would look like if they were celebrities? For the record, it made me actually laugh out loud. --PEF


>>>What celebrities would look like if they moved to Utah

>>

Traitors and Tyrants

Sorry for all the political forwards, but hey. What can I say? Nothing makes people itch to press that little forward button like a good ol' political message that hits the heart just right.

And I love the off-centered text, the >, the virus scanning message at the bottom....nothing says THIS IS A VERIFIED MESSAGE like all the internet trails showing how many inboxes it went in and out of before landing in yours!--PEF

SHE REALLY WAS A TRAITOR

In Memory of LT. C.Thomsen Wieland who spent 100 days at the Hanoi Hilton She really was a Traitor IF YOU NEVER FORWARDED ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE FORWARD THIS SO THAT EVERYONE WILL KNOW!!!!!! She really was a traitor A TRAITOR IS ABOUT TO BE HONORED KEEP THIS MOVING ACROSS AMERICA This is for all the kids born in the 70's who do not remember, and didn't have to bear the burden that our fathers, mothers and older brothers and sisters had to bear. Jane Fonda is being honored as one of the "100 Women of the Century." BY BARBRA WALTERS Roman; font-size: 16px; "> Unfortunately, many have forgotten and still countless others have never known how Ms. Fonda betrayed not only the idea of our country, but specific men who served and sacrificed during Vietnam The first part of this is from an F-4E pilot The pilot's name is Jerry Driscoll, a River Rat. In 1968, the former Commandant of the USAF Survival School was a POW in Ho Lo Prison the "Hanoi Hilton." Dragged from a stinking cesspit of a cell, cleaned, fed, and dressed in clean PJ's, he was ordered to describe for a visiting American "Peace Activist" the "lenient and humane treatment" he'd received. He spat at Ms. Fonda, was clubbed, and was dragged away. During the subsequent beating, he fell forward on to the camp Commandant 's feet, which ! sent that officer berserk. In 1978, the Air Force Colonel still suffered from double vision (which permanently ended his flying career) from the Commandant's frenzied application of a wooden baton. From 1963-65, Col. Larry Carrigan was in the 47FW/DO (F-4E's). He spent 6 years in the "Hanoi Hilton",,, the first three of which his family only knew he was "missing in action". His wife lived on faith that he was still alive. His group, too, got the cleaned-up, fed and clothed routine in preparation for a "peace delegation" visit. They, however, had time and devised a plan to get word to the world that they were alive and still survived. Each man secreted a tiny piece of paper, with his Social Security Number on it, in the palm of his hand. When paraded before Ms. Fonda and a cameraman, she walked the line, shaking each man's hand and asking little encouraging snippets like: "Aren't you sorry you bombed babies?" and "Are you grateful for the humane treatment from your benevolent captors?" Believing this HAD to be an act, they each palmed her their sliver of paper. She took them all without missing a beat. At the end of the line and once the camera stopped rolling, to the shocked disbelief of the POWs, she turned to the officer in charge and handed him all the little pieces of paper. Three men died from the subsequent beatings. Colonel Carrigan was almost number four but he survived, which is the only reason we know of her actions that day. Roman; font-size: 16px; "> I was a civilian economic development advisor in Vietnam , and was captured by the North Vietnamese communists in South Vietnam in 1968, and held prisoner for over 5 years. I spent 27 months in solitary confinement; one year in a cage in Cambodia ; and one year in a "black box" in Hanoi . My North Vietnamese captors deliberately poisoned and murdered a female missionary, a nurse in a leprosarium in Ban me Thuot, South Vietnam , whom I buried in the jungle near the Cambodian border. At one time, I weighed only about 90 lbs. (My normal weight is 170 lbs.) We were Jane Fonda's "war criminals." When Jane Fonda was in Hanoi , I was asked by the camp communist political officer if I would be willing to meet with her. I said yes, for I wanted to tell her about the real treatment we POWs received... and how different it was from the treatment purported by the North Vietnamese, and parroted by her as "humane and lenient." Because of this, I spent three days on a rocky floor on my knees, with my arms outstretched with a large steel weights placed on my hands, and beaten with a bamboo cane. I had the opportunity to meet with Jane Fonda soon after I was released. I asked her if she would be willing to debate me on TV. She never did answer me. These first-hand experiences do not exemplify someone who should be honored as part of "100 Years of Great Women." Lest we forget..." 100 Years of Great Women" should never include a traitor whose hands are covered with the blood of so many patriots. There are few things I have strong visceral reactions to, but Hanoi Jane's participation in blatant treason, is one of them. Please take the time to forward to as many people as you possibly can. It will eventually end up on her computer and she needs to know that we will never forget. RONALD D. SAMPSON, CMSgt, USAF 716 Maintenance Squadron, Chief of Maintenance DSN: 875-6431 COMM: 883-6343 PLEASE HELP BY SENDING THIS TO EVERYONE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK. IF ENOUGH PEOPLE SEE THIS MAYBE HER STATUS WILL CHANGE

---

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