Funny Joke You Can Tell Anyone

Subject: Favorite animal

A little humor is good for the Soul

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

Funny story

This was funny.

> A cabbie picks up a Nun.
>
> She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
> cab driver won't stop staring at her.
>
> She asks him why he is staring.
>
> He replies:
> "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
>
> She answers,
> "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
> and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
> hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
> say or ask that I would find offensive."
>
> "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
>
> She responds,
> "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single
> and #2, you must be Catholic."
>
> The cab driver is very excited and says,
> "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
>
> "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
>
> The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker
> blush.
>
> But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
>
> "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
>
> "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
> I'm married and I'm Jewish."
>
> The nun says, "That's OK.
> My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
>

Tech Support

I thought you might enjoy this. I deal with things like these all the time.

Don't feel stupid about using your computer - read on. This is an
excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
"Press Return Key" because of the
flood of calls asking where the "Any Key" is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on.
The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter
arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to
fax anything. After 40 minutes of
troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a
piece of paper by holding it in front of
the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he
was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad
command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He
told the technician that the computer
had said "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the
computer screen to face the printer but that
his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on.
After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked
her what happened when she pushed
the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal
and nothing happens." The "foot
pedal"
turned out to be the mouse.

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said
she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes
waiting for something to happen. When asked
what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power
switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for
support. "I put in the first disk, and
that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems
with the disk. When it said to put in
the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized
that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1
first.

10. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for
installing software. The instructions said
to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user
had physically removed the casing of the
disk and wondered why there were problems.

11. True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech
Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting
that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a
promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it
have any trademark on it?"
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a
promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't
stand it. He was laughing too hard. The
caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup
holder and snapped it off the drive.

12. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was
running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next
to the door. But that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and
his printer is working fine."

13. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task
list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up
the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have that."
Tech: "On your keyboard Bob".
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech: "P on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that."

Now, don't you feel better about your skill level?

Whats Wrong With This Picture???

See if you can discover what's wrong with this picture in the link below. I stared at it for almost 2 minutes before I figured it out. You have to get sort of close to the screen and check the whole thing over! It shocked me when I did finally see it. You will know it when you see it! It's amazing!

http://home.attbi.com/~n9ivo/whatswrong.swf

Stella Awards

A cousin to the "Darwin Awards". Unfortunately these people are still walking around today...

>> **It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella
>> Awards"**
>>
>> The Stella's are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled
>> coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case
>> inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous,
>> successful lawsuits in the United States.
>>
>> Here are this year's winners:
>>
>> 5th Place (tie):
>>
>> Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of
>> her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
>> running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were
>> understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving
>> little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
>>
>> 5th Place (tie):
>>
>> 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
>> expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.
>> Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
>> car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
>>
>> 5th Place (tie):
>>
>> Terrence Dickson Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had
>> just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get
>> the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was
>> malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door
>> connecting the house and garage
>> locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr.
>> Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He
>> subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog
>> food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused
>> him undue mental anguish. The jury
>> agreed to the tune of $500,000.
>>
>> 4th Place:
>>
>> Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and
>> medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
>> neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced
>> yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog
>> might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams
>> who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it
>> repeatedly with a pellet gun.
>>
>> 3rd Place:
>>
>> A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
>> Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink
>> and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor
>> because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier
>> during an argument.
>>
>> 2nd Place:
>>
>> Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a
>> night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom
>> window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This
>> occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in
>> the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was
>> awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
>>
>> 1st Place. This year's run away winner was:
>>
>> Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
>>
>> Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On
>> her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto
>> the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the
>> drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not
>> surprisingly, the RV left the
>> freeway, crashed and overturned.
>>
>> Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's
>> manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her
>> $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their
>> manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other
>> complete morons around.

Who Reads the Newspaper Anymore?

In celebration of the New Year I thought I'd share this gem from the past. Enjoy the walk down memory lane. ---PEF


> >
> >
> >> Subject: Top Newspaper Headlines 1999
> >> > Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 13:13:28 -0500
> >> >
> >> > BEST NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1998
> >> >
> >> > 1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
> >> > 2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts
> >> > Say
> >> > 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
> >> > 4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
> >> > 5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
> >> > 6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
> >> > 7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
> >> > 8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
> >> > 9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
> >> > 10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
> >> > 11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
> >> > 12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
> >> > 13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
> >> > 14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
> >> > 15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
> >> > 16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in
> >> > checkout
> >> > counter..
> >> > 17. War Dims Hope for Peace
> >> > 18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last
> >> > a While
> >> > 19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
> >> > 20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
> >> > 21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test
> >> > Group
> >> > 22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
> >> > 23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
> >> > 24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
> >> > 25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
> >> >
> >> >
> >>
> >>
> >> =====
> >>

PUNS

Gotta love all the >>> that are attached to this one!



> >> >
> >> > Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
> >> bowlers.
> >> > However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a
> >> fire.
> >> Thus
> >> > we'll never know for whom the Tell's bowled.
> >> >
> >> > A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
> >> I'm
> >> > shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll
> >> just have
> >> > to be a little patient."
> >> >
> >> > A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
> >> dolphins
> >> that
> >> > could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One
> >> day
> >> his
> >> > supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more.
> >> On
> >> the
> >> > way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake
> >> them,
> >> he
> >> > gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged
> >> with
> >> > transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
> >> >
> >> > A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
> >> remedies
> >> with
> >> > the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
> >> > particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When
> >> the
> >> > anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye
> >> and
> >> > said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
> >> >
> >> > Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted
> >> to
> >> produce
> >> > other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket
> >> watches,
> >> > decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It
> >> turned
> >> out
> >> > that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses
> >> were so
> >> > bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than
> >> California.
> >> > This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a
> >> Tates
> >> is
> >> > lost!"
> >> >
> >> > A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
> >> lavatory
> >> > equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely
> >> nothing
> >> > to go on."
> >> >
> >> > An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
> >> man.
> >> After
> >> > a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of
> >> elk hide
> >> > and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew, and
> >> swallow one
> >> > inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man
> >> returned
> >> to
> >> > see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The
> >> thong
> >> is
> >> > ended, but the malady lingers on."
> >> >
> >> > A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
> >> name
> >> > missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to
> >> the
> >> local
> >> > civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken
> >> Leif
> >> off
> >> > my census."
> >> >
> >> >
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

Pilot Humor?

I have to admit I didn't find this that funny. But, I get quite a few funny forwards in my box, so maybe I'm just a hard customer. Check out the time stamp on this one. Apparently I am one of the few who didn't lol at this one cuz it has been making the rounds for quite some time!



Sent: Friday, July 25, 2003 11:24 AM
Subject: laughs

In case you needed a laugh today, I forwarded these I got from my college roommate Bill Van Zanten. --- Delete if you don't like to laugh.
Dusty

Sent: Thursday, July 24, 2003 8:48 AM
Subject: FW: Airline Maintenance Engineer Humor



After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Little Johnny

I think Little Johnny has been making the rounds for quite some time judging by the time stamp. ---PEF


> >Sent: Tuesday, August 17, 1999 5:05 PM
> >Subject: jokes
> >
> >
> >> I got these from a friend of mine, they are kind of funny -- Missy
> >>
> >> Little Johnny
> >> >
> >> > A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
> >> > She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're
> >> > stupid,stand up!"
> >> > After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said,
> >> > "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
> >> > "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
> >> >
> >> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
> >> >
> >> > Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold
> >> > cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make
> >myself
> >> > beautiful, "said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a
> >> >tissue.
> >> > "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
> >> >
> >> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
> >
> >> >
> >> > The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in
> >> > class.
> >> > She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
> >> > Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon network!
> >> >
> >> >*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
> >> >
> >> > At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
> >> > including human beings. Little Johnny a child in the kindergarten
> >class,
> >> >seemed
> >> > especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of
> >> > Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down
> >> > as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little
> >> > Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going have a
> >> > wife."
> >> >
> >> >~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
> >> > Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
> >> > police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of
> >> > the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture
> >> > and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the
> >> > policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
> >> > Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his
> >picture?"
> >> >
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

Location Matters...

This one is great. Who doesn't have anything to do but wonder what the people in other states would look like if they were celebrities? For the record, it made me actually laugh out loud. --PEF


>>>What celebrities would look like if they moved to Utah

>>

The Duck's Revenge

For those of you who don't eat Turkey, Chicken, or Goose at your holiday feast.... or who just like to hunt in general..... ---PEF

Because Everyone Has Time For Sarcasm

Seriously, do the people who forwarded this even realize they single-handedly filled up everyone's inbox in their address book?? People, if it has an image it takes up more space. So unless it is IMPORTANT (which this isn't...although this one is actually kind of funny) please keep it to yourself. --PEF

*To see the images better, click on them!*

Resume's that Shine

My Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole realee seamto reespond too me well. Certain men, and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can get a job wit my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I kin start emeditely. Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Bubba

PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
























Employer's response:....

Dear Bubba,

It's OK, we've got spell check.
See you Monday.

Nice to See You Too...

When someone asks, "How's it going?"
If you say.. "Awful" they will think you have a bad attitude.
If you say.. "Great" they will know you are lying.

I like to say, "Unbelievable." The most common response to this is..
"That's Great!" I just smile.



Forward this to make your friends smile!