Who Reads the Newspaper Anymore?

In celebration of the New Year I thought I'd share this gem from the past. Enjoy the walk down memory lane. ---PEF


> >
> >
> >> Subject: Top Newspaper Headlines 1999
> >> > Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 13:13:28 -0500
> >> >
> >> > BEST NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1998
> >> >
> >> > 1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
> >> > 2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts
> >> > Say
> >> > 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
> >> > 4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
> >> > 5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
> >> > 6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
> >> > 7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
> >> > 8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
> >> > 9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
> >> > 10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
> >> > 11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
> >> > 12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
> >> > 13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
> >> > 14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
> >> > 15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
> >> > 16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in
> >> > checkout
> >> > counter..
> >> > 17. War Dims Hope for Peace
> >> > 18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last
> >> > a While
> >> > 19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
> >> > 20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
> >> > 21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test
> >> > Group
> >> > 22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
> >> > 23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
> >> > 24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
> >> > 25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
> >> >
> >> >
> >>
> >>
> >> =====
> >>

PUNS

Gotta love all the >>> that are attached to this one!



> >> >
> >> > Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
> >> bowlers.
> >> > However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a
> >> fire.
> >> Thus
> >> > we'll never know for whom the Tell's bowled.
> >> >
> >> > A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
> >> I'm
> >> > shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll
> >> just have
> >> > to be a little patient."
> >> >
> >> > A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
> >> dolphins
> >> that
> >> > could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One
> >> day
> >> his
> >> > supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more.
> >> On
> >> the
> >> > way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake
> >> them,
> >> he
> >> > gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged
> >> with
> >> > transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
> >> >
> >> > A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
> >> remedies
> >> with
> >> > the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
> >> > particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When
> >> the
> >> > anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye
> >> and
> >> > said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
> >> >
> >> > Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted
> >> to
> >> produce
> >> > other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket
> >> watches,
> >> > decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It
> >> turned
> >> out
> >> > that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses
> >> were so
> >> > bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than
> >> California.
> >> > This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a
> >> Tates
> >> is
> >> > lost!"
> >> >
> >> > A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
> >> lavatory
> >> > equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely
> >> nothing
> >> > to go on."
> >> >
> >> > An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
> >> man.
> >> After
> >> > a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of
> >> elk hide
> >> > and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew, and
> >> swallow one
> >> > inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man
> >> returned
> >> to
> >> > see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The
> >> thong
> >> is
> >> > ended, but the malady lingers on."
> >> >
> >> > A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
> >> name
> >> > missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to
> >> the
> >> local
> >> > civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken
> >> Leif
> >> off
> >> > my census."
> >> >
> >> >
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

Attention AZ Drivers!

I have to admit it. When I get emails like this I really do delete them without checking them out. What do you do? ---PEF

Everyone please read carefully! This new law takes effect January 1, 2009. Please understand you can have a license plate frame holder as long as it doesn't cover the Arizona on the top your license plate. If the license plate frame holder covers the Arizona, you could receive a $130.00 ticket! It is your responsibility as Arizona drivers to know new motor vehicle laws, the state doesn't send out mailings. For more info on new motor vehicle laws click on the link below. If you have a frame holder that covers the Arizona, you need to remove it before January 1, 2009 or replace it with one that leaves Arizona visible.

http://www.azdot.gov/MVD/WhatsNew/whatsnew_2008.asp

License Plate Holder Law - State law* requires that the state name at the top of Arizona license plates must be visible. Any license plate holder or cover that prevents the license plate from being clearly legible is in violation of this new law.

* A.R.S. 28-2354(B.)

3 Ladies in a Sauna

Just thought I'd share so when you look outside and see the snow you can remember that in a few more months it will be pool season again!
---PEF

Three Ladies in a Sauna THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM. A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.' THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!! When you stop laughing, send this to those who will appreciate it.

Merry Christmas

Yep, I am wishing you a Merry Christmas. And if you don't celebrate Christmas...well, I hope you're not offended but I'm wishing you a Merry Christmas anyway. And if you don't like that....well, I hope you get over yourself before someone calls you a scrooge!

Merry Christmas!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS....

On the way home last night, we were listening to the radio when a newscaster
called his little 91 year old granny to talk to her about the 'Holidays'. He
mentioned that he had noticed that Christmas has become so 'politically
correct' that no mention of Christmas is made by most retailers, we now wish
people 'Happy Holidays.'

His granny said she missed the Old Fashioned Christmas when everyone
wished each other 'Merry Christmas'.

We thought about it and agree...so this year we will be making a conscious
effort to wish everyone Merry Christmas...our way of saying that we are
celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. So we are asking our e-mail friends, if
you agree with us, to please do the same.

And if you'll pass this on to your e-mail friends, and so on...maybe we can
prevent one more treasured tradition from being lost in the sea of 'Political
Correctness.'

God Bless and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Fork

I thought this might be nice to read as you use your fork to dig in to your Christmas dinner tomorrow! Enjoy. As much as you can enjoy any pesky email forward. --PEF

Woman and a Fork< There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things 'in order,' she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him the songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. Everything was in order and the Pastor was going to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. 'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly. 'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply. 'This is very important,' the young woman continued. 'I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.' The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say. That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked. 'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor. The young woman explained.. 'My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming... like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!' So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork .the best is yet to come' The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming. At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?' And over and over he smiled. During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time to 'Keep your fork.' Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share. being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND even if it means sending it back to the person who sent it to you. And keep your fork!

The Cookie Thief Poem

> >
> >>> THE COOKIE THIEF
> >>>
> >>> A woman was waiting at an airport one night,
> >>> With several long hours before her flight.
> >>> She hunted for a book in the airport shop,
> >>> Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.
> >>>
> >>> She was engrossed in her book, but happened to see,
> >>> That the man beside her, as bold as he could be,
> >>> Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag between,
> >>> Which she tried to ignore, to avoid a scene.
> >>>
> >>> She read, munched cookies, and watched the clock,
> >>> As the gutsy "cookie thief" diminished her stock.
> >>> She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by,
> >>> Thinking, "If I weren't so nice, I'd blacken his eye!"
> >>>
> >>> With each cookie she took, he took one too,
> >>> When only one was left, she wondered what he'd do.
> >>> With a smile on his face and a nervous laugh,
> >>> He took the last cookie and broke it in half.
> >>>
> >>> He offered her half, as he ate the other,
> >>> She snatched it and thought, "Oh brother,
> >>> This guy has some nerve, and he's also rude,
> >>> Why, he didn't even show any gratitude!"
> >>>
> >>> She had never know when she had been so galled,
> >>> And sighed with relief when her flight was called
> >>> She gathered her belongings and headed for the gate,
> >>> Refusing to look back at the "thieving ingrate".
> >>>
> >>> She boarded the plane and sank in her seat,
> >>> Then she sought her book, which was almost complete.
> >>> As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise,
> >>> There was her bag of cookies in front of her eyes!
> >>>
> >>> "If mine are here," She moaned with despair,
> >>> "Then the others are his and he tried to share!"
> >>> Too late to apologize, she realized with grief,
> >>> That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief!
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>
> >>
> >> ------------------------------

--------------------------------------------
> > --
> >> ----
> >>
> >>
> >>>
> >>> ---

The Perfect Gift For Men

Click to Enlarge

Fill It OUT!!

Yeah...I didn't fill this out. I just copied it straight from the email that was forwarded to me. And I'm not sending it back. I'm just that type of person.

Welcome to the new 2008 edition of getting to know your family and friends. Here is what you are supposed to do, and try not to be LAME and spoil the fun. Hit FORWARD then change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. Some of you may get this several times; that means you have lots of friends. The easiest way to do it is to hit 'forward' so you can change the answers or copy and paste. Have fun and be truthful! I want to see your answers! 1. What is your occupation right now? Lunch aide at the kids' school 2. What color are your socks right now? none 3. What are you listening to right now? nothing, but usually Christmas music 4. What was the last thing that you ate? I'd like to say something healthy, but it was a chocolate donut 5. Can you drive a stick shift? YES- lots of fun, more power 6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Jason 7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? yes 8. How old are you today? 29 9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? NONE 10. What is your favorite drink? Again, I should say something healthy, but I love Pepsi...and Sobe 11. Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes...but only twice- regretted it both times 12. Favorite food? Just one? 13. What is the last movie you watched? A Christmas Story, and the end of Armageddon (I always cry...what a baby) 14. Favorite day of the year? Christmas Eve 15. How do you vent anger? I usually take it out on Jason....he's tough 16. What was your favorite toy as a child? Barbies 17. What is your favorite season? Fall 18. Cherries or Blueberries? Cherries 19. Do you want your friends/family to e-mail you back? Of course, if you feel like it 20. Who is the most likely to respond? all those other email junkies 21. Who is least likely to respond? those who are not email junkies, or are too busy 22. Living arrangements? Our family of four, and Dozer (our dog) and several colonies of dust bunnies 23. When was the last time you cried? watching Armageddon, a lot on the day I was released from Primary 24. What is on the floor of your closet? I have a floor in there???....who knew 25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to? Jason 26. What did you do last night? Helped KoraLee sew a project, stressed over the Christmas party 27. What are you most afraid of? The unknown 28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? cheesy 29. Favorite dog breed? almost all of them are cute- I can't decide 30. Favorite day of the week? Saturday 31. How many provinces/states have you lived in? That would be a total of 1 (one) 32. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds 33. What is your favorite flower? Any, mostly roses Proud to be a PC? Show the world. Download the "I'm a PC" Messenger themepack now. Download now. Reply Forward

Fun To Try

Ok, I just have to assume this forward is for those of us stuck at a desk regardless of how we spend our time. Not for the rest of us who actually have lives?? ---PEF

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

> You have to try this please; it takes 10 seconds.

> This will boggle your mind and will keep you trying over

> and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but,

> you can't.

> It's pre-programmed in your brain!

> 1. While sitting at your desk in front

> of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and

> make clockwise circles with it.

> 2. Now,
while doing this, draw the number '6' in

> the air with your right hand. Your foot will change

> direction....

> And there's nothing you can do about it!

Pilot Humor?

I have to admit I didn't find this that funny. But, I get quite a few funny forwards in my box, so maybe I'm just a hard customer. Check out the time stamp on this one. Apparently I am one of the few who didn't lol at this one cuz it has been making the rounds for quite some time!



Sent: Friday, July 25, 2003 11:24 AM
Subject: laughs

In case you needed a laugh today, I forwarded these I got from my college roommate Bill Van Zanten. --- Delete if you don't like to laugh.
Dusty

Sent: Thursday, July 24, 2003 8:48 AM
Subject: FW: Airline Maintenance Engineer Humor



After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Ah, Snopes

Ok, ok, I admit it. I hate forwards. This just gives me one more reason to do so. Can you please keep the stupid forwards to your own inbox? ---PEF


By now, I suspect everyone is familiar with www.snopes.com and/or www.truthorfiction.com for determining whether information received via email is just that - true or false, fact or fiction. Both are excellent sites. I received the advice below from one of my correspondents today.

Advice from Snopes.com REMEMBER THIS!

1) Any time you see an e-mail that says forward this on to '10' of your friends, sign this petition, or you'll get bad luck, good luck, or whatever, it almost always has an e-mail tracker program attached that tracks the cookies and e-mails of those folks you forward to. The host sender is getting a copy each time it gets forwarded and then is able to get lists of 'active ' e-mail addresses to use in SPAM e-mails, or sell to other spammers!

2) Almost all e-mails that ask you to add your name and forward on to others are similar to that mass letter years ago that asked people to send business cards to the little kid in who wanted to break the Guinness Book of Records for the most cards. All it was, and all any of this type of e-mail is, is a way to get names and 'cookie' tracking information for telemarketers and spammers - - to validate active e-mail accounts for their own profitable purposes.

You can do your friends and family members a GREAT favor by sending this information to them; you will be providing a service to your friends, and will be rewarded by not getting thousands of spam e-mails in the future!

If you have been sending out (FORWARDING) the above kinds of e-mail, now you know why you get so much SPAM!

Do yourself a favor and STOP adding your name(s) to those types of listings regardless how inviting they might sound!

You may think you are supporting a GREAT cause, but you are NOT in the long run. Instead, you will be getting tons of junk mail later! Plus, we are helping the spammers get rich!

Also: E-mail petitions are NOT acceptable to Provincial or Federal Governments, (including the USA Congress) or any other organization. To be acceptable, petitions must have a signed signature and full address of the person signing the petition.

Poison Pancakes

I've gotten this one a few times now. Apparently everyone likes to buy pancake mix but no one likes to make it into pancakes? People--we're in an economic crisis. Spend your money on stuff you will eat, and eat what you spend your money on. So gross. ---PEF

Can I say WOW!?!

WARNING IN THE KITCHEN -- Please Read

A student at HBHS had pancakes this week and it almost became fatal. His Mom
(registered nurse) made him pancakes, dropped him off at school and headed
to play tennis. She never takes her cell phone on the court but did this
time and her son called to say he was having trouble breathing. She told him
to go to the nurse immediately and proceeded to call school and alert the
nurse. The nurse called the paramedics and they were there in 3 minutes and
worked on the boy all the way to the hospital. He came so close to dying.
Evidently this is more common then I ever knew. Check the expiration dates
on packages like pancakes and cake mixes that have yeast which over time
develop spores.
.

WARNING ABOUT Pancake Mix (and other boxed mixes)

(maybe you already know this, I DID NOT !!) Talk about frightening. ...

Throw away ALL OUTDATED pancake mix you have in your home, PLEASE! If you
don't believe me, read this article and then follow the 'Link' below to
SNOPES. Sorry to be the Grim Reaper of bad news, but I would rather have you
ALIVE, besides a $2.00 box of pancake mix is NOT worth your life.

P. S. You might want to tell this to your children, grandchildren, nephews,
nieces and anyone else who keeps pancake mix in the cupboard.

WARNING - READ ON. AND CHECK SNOPES TOO.

http://www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/pancake.asp <http://www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/pancake.asp>

From Snopes: cause of death due to anaphylaxic shock reaction to molds. I
recently made a batch of pancakes for my healthy
14-year-old son, using a mix that was in our pantry. He said that they
tasted 'funny,' but ate t hem anyway. About 10 minutes later, he began having
difficulty breathing and his lips began turning purple. I gave him his
allergy pill, had him sit on the sofa and told him to relax. He was wheezing
while inhaling and exhaling. My husband, a volunteer Firefighter and EMT,
heated up some water, and we had my son lean over the water so the steam
could clear his chest and sinuses. Soon, his breathing became more regular
and his lips returned to a more normal color. We checked the date on the box
of pancake mix and, to my dismay, found it was very outdated. As a reference
librarian at an academic institution, I have the ability to search through
many research databases. I did just that, and found an article the next day
that mentioned a 19-year-old male DYING after eating pancakes made with
outdated mix. Apparently, the mold that forms in old pancake mix can be
toxic!

When we told o ur friends about my son's close call, we were surprised at the
number of people who mentioned that they should check their own pancake mix
since they don't use it often, or they had purchased it some time ago. With
so many people shopping at warehouse-type stores and buying large sizes of
pancake mix, I hope your readers will take the time to check the expiration
date on their boxes. Also, beware of outdated Bisquick, cake, brownie and
cookie mix.

Why the Chinese Need to Stop Leaving Baby Girls to Die

True Story that won the 2008 Honorable Mention from the Darwin Awards. How could this NOT be destined to become an email forward?


(6 August 2008, Hong Kong) It's raining. You're lonely. Why not?

That was how 41-year-old Xian found himself face down on a bench, and calling for help in the middle of the night. The lonely man had noticed that the steel sit-up benches in LanTian Park had numerous ventilation holes, and thought it might be possible to use them for sexual gratification.

Enticing orifices.

Once Xian became aroused, he found he was stuck and could not remove himself from the hole in the bench. Quite understandably, he panicked. Police received a call from a disturbed man, and arrived to find poor Xian trapped face-down on the bench.

Doctors were summoned to the scene. They tried, but emergency workers had to cut the entire bench free and take him to the hospital.

Four painful hours later, doctors finally separated Xian from his bench. It is certainly possible that the lack of blood flow easily could have caused sufficient damage that doctors would have been forced to remove his penis.

This is a bad date that Xian will never forget.





Here is an actual news story:

A MAN is lucky to still have a penis after he inserted it in a metal park bench and became stuck, doctors say.
At least a dozen police and emergency services workers were called to the park in Hong Kong after 41-year-old Le Xing’s penis became trapped in a hole, apparently after he became aroused.

According to reports from Hong Kong, the “lonely and disturbed” Mr Xing told police he thought it would be fun to have sex with the bench, UK’s The Telegraph reported.

Unfortunately for Mr Xing, news crews descended on the park to film the rescue effort.

Doctors had tried to drain some of Mr Xing’s blood in an attempt to loosen his penis, but to no avail.

Rescuers eventually cut away part of the bench and Mr Xing was taken to hospital where doctors took another four hours to free him.

They said if Mr Xing had been stuck for another hour they would have had to amputate his penis.

All I Want For Christmas Is A Gun

Hey, at least I didn't ask Santa for bullets!
---PEF

The following is a true story about what happens when guns are taken from the public:

Careful, careful, my friends, the Acorns are coming -----------------------------------------------------.

You're sound asleep when you hear a thump outside your bedroom door. Half-awake, and nearly paralyzed with fear, you hear muffled whispers. At least two people have broken into your house and are moving your way. With your heart pumping, you reach down beside your bed and pick up your shotgun. You rack a shell into the chamber, then inch toward the door and open it. In the darkness, you make out two shadows. One holds something that looks like a crowbar. When the intruder brandishes it as if to strike, you raise the shotgun and fire. The blast knocks both thugs to the floor. One writhes and screams while the second man crawls to the front door and lurches outside. As you pick up the telephone to call police, you know you're in trouble. In your country, most guns were outlawed years before, and the few That are privately owned are so stringently regulated as to make them useless. Yours was never registered. Police arrive and inform you that the second burglar has died. They arrest you for First Degree Murder and Illegal Possession of a Firearm. When you talk to your attorney, he tells you not to worry: authorities will probably plea the case down to manslaughter. "What kind of sentence will I get?" you ask. "Only ten-to-twelve years," he replies, as if that's nothing. "Behave yourself, and you'll be out in seven." The next day, the shooting is the lead story in the local newspaper. Somehow, you're portrayed as an eccentric vigilante while the two men you shot are represented as choirboys. Their friends and relatives can't find an unkind word to say about them. Buried deep down in the article, authorities acknowledge that both "victims" have been arrested numerous times. But the next day's headline says it all: "Lovable Rogue Son Didn't Deserve to Die." The thieves have been transformed from career criminals into Robin Hood-type pranksters. As the days wear on, the story takes wings. The national media picks it up, then the international media. The surviving burglar has become a folk hero. Your attorney says the thief is preparing to sue you, and he'll probably win. The media publishes reports that your home has been burglarized several times in the past and that you've been critical of local police for their lack of effort in apprehending the suspects. After the last break-in, you told your neighbor that you would be prepared next time. The District Attorney uses this to allege that you were lying in wait for the burglars. A few months later, you go to trial. The charges haven't been reduced, as your lawyer had so confidently predicted. When you take the stand, your anger at the injustice of it all works against you. Prosecutors paint a picture of you as a mean, vengeful man. It doesn't take long for the jury to convict you of all charges. The judge sentences you to life in prison. This case really happened. On August 22, 1999, Tony Martin of Emneth, Norfolk , England , killed one burglar and wounded a second. In April, 2000, he was convicted and is now serving a life term. How did it become a crime to defend one's own life in the once great British Empire ? It started with the Pistols Act of 1903. This seemingly reasonable law forbade selling pistols to minors or felons and established that handgun sales were to be made only to those who had a license. The Firearms Act of 1920 expanded licensing to include not only handguns but all firearms except shotguns. Later laws passed in 1953 and 1967 outlawed the carrying of any weapon by private citizens and mandated the registration of all shotguns. Momentum for total handgun confiscation began in earnest after the Hungerford mass shooting in 1987. Michael Ryan, a mentally disturbed man with a Kalashnikov rifle, walked down the streets shooting everyone he saw. When the smoke cleared, 17 people were dead. The British public, already de-sensitized by eighty years of "gun control", demanded even tougher restrictions. (The seizure of all privately owned handguns was the objective even though Ryan used a rifle.) Nine years later, at Dunblane , Scotland , Thomas Hamilton used a semi-automatic weapon to murder 16 children and a teacher at a public school. For many years, the media had portrayed all gun owners as mentally unstable, or worse, criminals. Now the press had a real kook with which to beat up law-abiding gun owners. Day after day, week after week, the media gave up all pretense of objectivity and demanded a total ban on all handguns. The Dunblane Inquiry, a few months later, Sealed the fate of the few sidearms still owned by private citizens. During the years in which the British government incrementally took Away most gun rights, the notion that a citizen had the right to armed self-defense came to be seen as vigilantism. Authorities refused to grant gun licenses to people who were threatened, claiming that self-defense was no longer considered a reason to own a gun. Citizens who shot burglars or robbers or rapists were charged while the real criminals were released. Indeed, after the Martin shooting, a police spokesman was quoted as saying, "We cannot have people take the law into their own hands." All of Martin's neighbors had been robbed numerous times, and several elderly people were severely injured in beatings by young thugs who had no fear of the consequences. Martin himself, a collector of antiques, had seen most of his collection trashed or stolen by burglars. When the Dunblane Inquiry ended, citizens who owned handguns were given three months to turn them over to local authorities. Being good British subj ects, most people obeyed the law. The few who didn't were visited by police and threatened with ten-year prison sentences if they didn't comply. Police later bragged that they'd taken nearly 200,000 handguns from private citizens. How did the authorities know who had handguns? The guns had been registered and licensed. Kinda like cars. Sound familiar? WAKE UP AMERICA , THIS IS WHY OUR FOUNDING FATHERS PUT THE SECOND AMENDMENT IN OUR CONSTITUTION. "..it does not require a majority to prevail, but rather an irate, tireless minority keen to set brush fires in people's minds.." --Samuel Adams If you think this is important, please forward to everyone you know.