Wednesday, December 31, 2008
> >> Subject: Top Newspaper Headlines 1999
> >> > Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 13:13:28 -0500
> >> >
> >> > BEST NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1998
> >> >
> >> > 1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
> >> > 2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts
> >> > Say
> >> > 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
> >> > 4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
> >> > 5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
> >> > 6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
> >> > 7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
> >> > 8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
> >> > 9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
> >> > 10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
> >> > 11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
> >> > 12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
> >> > 13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
> >> > 14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
> >> > 15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
> >> > 16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in
> >> > checkout
> >> > counter..
> >> > 17. War Dims Hope for Peace
> >> > 18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last
> >> > a While
> >> > 19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
> >> > 20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
> >> > 21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test
> >> > Group
> >> > 22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
> >> > 23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
> >> > 24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
> >> > 25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
> >> >
> >> >
> >> =====
Monday, December 29, 2008
> >> >
> >> > Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
> >> bowlers.
> >> > However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a
> >> fire.
> >> Thus
> >> > we'll never know for whom the Tell's bowled.
> >> >
> >> > A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
> >> I'm
> >> > shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll
> >> just have
> >> > to be a little patient."
> >> >
> >> > A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
> >> dolphins
> >> that
> >> > could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One
> >> day
> >> his
> >> > supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more.
> >> On
> >> the
> >> > way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake
> >> them,
> >> he
> >> > gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged
> >> with
> >> > transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
> >> >
> >> > A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
> >> remedies
> >> with
> >> > the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
> >> > particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When
> >> the
> >> > anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye
> >> and
> >> > said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
> >> >
> >> > Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted
> >> to
> >> produce
> >> > other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket
> >> watches,
> >> > decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It
> >> turned
> >> out
> >> > that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses
> >> were so
> >> > bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than
> >> California.
> >> > This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a
> >> Tates
> >> is
> >> > lost!"
> >> >
> >> > A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
> >> lavatory
> >> > equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely
> >> nothing
> >> > to go on."
> >> >
> >> > An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
> >> man.
> >> After
> >> > a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of
> >> elk hide
> >> > and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew, and
> >> swallow one
> >> > inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man
> >> returned
> >> to
> >> > see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The
> >> thong
> >> is
> >> > ended, but the malady lingers on."
> >> >
> >> > A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
> >> name
> >> > missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to
> >> the
> >> local
> >> > civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken
> >> Leif
> >> off
> >> > my census."
> >> >
> >> >
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Everyone please read carefully! This new law takes effect January 1, 2009. Please understand you can have a license plate frame holder as long as it doesn't cover the Arizona on the top your license plate. If the license plate frame holder covers the Arizona, you could receive a $130.00 ticket! It is your responsibility as Arizona drivers to know new motor vehicle laws, the state doesn't send out mailings. For more info on new motor vehicle laws click on the link below. If you have a frame holder that covers the Arizona, you need to remove it before January 1, 2009 or replace it with one that leaves Arizona visible.
License Plate Holder Law - State law* requires that the state name at the top of Arizona license plates must be visible. Any license plate holder or cover that prevents the license plate from being clearly legible is in violation of this new law.* A.R.S. 28-2354(B.)
Thursday, December 25, 2008
On the way home last night, we were listening to the radio when a newscaster
called his little 91 year old granny to talk to her about the 'Holidays'. He
mentioned that he had noticed that Christmas has become so 'politically
correct' that no mention of Christmas is made by most retailers, we now wish
people 'Happy Holidays.'
His granny said she missed the Old Fashioned Christmas when everyone
wished each other 'Merry Christmas'.
We thought about it and agree...so this year we will be making a conscious
effort to wish everyone Merry Christmas...our way of saying that we are
celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. So we are asking our e-mail friends, if
you agree with us, to please do the same.
And if you'll pass this on to your e-mail friends, and so on...maybe we can
prevent one more treasured tradition from being lost in the sea of 'Political
God Bless and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Woman and a Fork<
There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things 'in order,' she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.
She told him the songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.
Everything was in order and the Pastor was going to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly.
'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply.
'This is very important,' the young woman continued. 'I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.'
The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.
That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked.
'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor.
The young woman explained.. 'My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming... like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!'
So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork .the best is yet to come'
The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.
At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?' And over and over he smiled.
During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.
He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.
Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time to 'Keep your fork.'
Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share. being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility.
Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND even if it means sending it back to the person who sent it to you.
And keep your fork!
> >>> THE COOKIE THIEF
> >>> A woman was waiting at an airport one night,
> >>> With several long hours before her flight.
> >>> She hunted for a book in the airport shop,
> >>> Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.
> >>> She was engrossed in her book, but happened to see,
> >>> That the man beside her, as bold as he could be,
> >>> Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag between,
> >>> Which she tried to ignore, to avoid a scene.
> >>> She read, munched cookies, and watched the clock,
> >>> As the gutsy "cookie thief" diminished her stock.
> >>> She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by,
> >>> Thinking, "If I weren't so nice, I'd blacken his eye!"
> >>> With each cookie she took, he took one too,
> >>> When only one was left, she wondered what he'd do.
> >>> With a smile on his face and a nervous laugh,
> >>> He took the last cookie and broke it in half.
> >>> He offered her half, as he ate the other,
> >>> She snatched it and thought, "Oh brother,
> >>> This guy has some nerve, and he's also rude,
> >>> Why, he didn't even show any gratitude!"
> >>> She had never know when she had been so galled,
> >>> And sighed with relief when her flight was called
> >>> She gathered her belongings and headed for the gate,
> >>> Refusing to look back at the "thieving ingrate".
> >>> She boarded the plane and sank in her seat,
> >>> Then she sought her book, which was almost complete.
> >>> As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise,
> >>> There was her bag of cookies in front of her eyes!
> >>> "If mine are here," She moaned with despair,
> >>> "Then the others are his and he tried to share!"
> >>> Too late to apologize, she realized with grief,
> >>> That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief!
> >> ------------------------------
> > --
> >> ----
> >>> ---
Monday, December 22, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Welcome to the new 2008 edition of getting to know your family and friends. Here is what you are supposed to do, and try not to be LAME and spoil the fun. Hit FORWARD then change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. Some of you may get this several times; that means you have lots of friends. The easiest way to do it is to hit 'forward' so you can change the answers or copy and paste. Have fun and be truthful!
I want to see your answers!
Proud to be a PC? Show the world. Download the "I'm a PC" Messenger themepack now. Download now.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?
> You have to try this please; it takes 10 seconds.
> This will boggle your mind and will keep you trying over
> and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but,
> you can't.
> It's pre-programmed in your brain!
> 1. While sitting at your desk in front
> of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and
> make clockwise circles with it.
> 2. Now,
while doing this, draw the number '6' in
> the air with your right hand. Your foot will change
> And there's nothing you can do about it!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Sent: Friday, July 25, 2003 11:24 AM
In case you needed a laugh today, I forwarded these I got from my college roommate Bill Van Zanten. --- Delete if you don't like to laugh.Sent: Thursday, July 24, 2003 8:48 AM
Subject: FW: Airline Maintenance Engineer Humor
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Monday, December 15, 2008
By now, I suspect everyone is familiar with www.snopes.com and/or www
1) Any time you see an e-mail that says forward this on to '10' of your friends, sign this petition, or you'll get bad luck, good luck, or whatever, it almost always has an e-mail tracker program attached that tracks the cookies and e-mails of those folks you forward to. The host sender is getting a copy each time it gets forwarded and then is able to get lists of 'active ' e-mail addresses to use in SPAM e-mails, or sell to other spammers!
2) Almost all e-mails that ask you to add your name and forward on to others are similar to that mass letter years ago that asked people to send business cards to the little kid in who wanted to break the Guinness Book of Records for the most cards. All it was, and all any of this type of e-mail is, is a way to get names and 'cookie' tracking information for telemarketers and spammers - - to validate active e-mail accounts for their own profitable purposes.
You can do your friends and family members a GREAT favor by sending this information to them; you will be providing a service to your friends, and will be rewarded by not getting thousands of spam e-mails in the future!
If you have been sending out (FORWARDING) the above kinds of e-mail, now you know why you get so much SPAM!
Do yourself a favor and STOP adding your name(s) to those types of listings regardless how inviting they might sound!
You may think you are supporting a GREAT cause, but you are NOT in the long run. Instead, you will be getting tons of junk mail later! Plus, we are helping the spammers get rich!
Also: E-mail petitions are NOT acceptable to Provincial or Federal Governments, (including the USA Congress) or any other organization. To be acceptable, petitions must have a signed signature and full address of the person signing the petition.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Can I say WOW!?!
WARNING IN THE KITCHEN -- Please Read
A student at HBHS had pancakes this week and it almost became fatal. His Mom
(registered nurse) made him pancakes, dropped him off at school and headed
to play tennis. She never takes her cell phone on the court but did this
time and her son called to say he was having trouble breathing. She told him
to go to the nurse immediately and proceeded to call school and alert the
nurse. The nurse called the paramedics and they were there in 3 minutes and
worked on the boy all the way to the hospital. He came so close to dying.
Evidently this is more common then I ever knew. Check the expiration dates
on packages like pancakes and cake mixes that have yeast which over time
WARNING ABOUT Pancake Mix (and other boxed mixes)
(maybe you already know this, I DID NOT !!) Talk about frightening. ...
Throw away ALL OUTDATED pancake mix you have in your home, PLEASE! If you
don't believe me, read this article and then follow the 'Link' below to
SNOPES. Sorry to be the Grim Reaper of bad news, but I would rather have you
ALIVE, besides a $2.00 box of pancake mix is NOT worth your life.
P. S. You might want to tell this to your children, grandchildren, nephews,
nieces and anyone else who keeps pancake mix in the cupboard.
WARNING - READ ON. AND CHECK SNOPES TOO.
From Snopes: cause of death due to anaphylaxic shock reaction to molds. I
recently made a batch of pancakes for my healthy
14-year-old son, using a mix that was in our pantry. He said that they
tasted 'funny,' but ate t hem anyway. About 10 minutes later, he began having
difficulty breathing and his lips began turning purple. I gave him his
allergy pill, had him sit on the sofa and told him to relax. He was wheezing
while inhaling and exhaling. My husband, a volunteer Firefighter and EMT,
heated up some water, and we had my son lean over the water so the steam
could clear his chest and sinuses. Soon, his breathing became more regular
and his lips returned to a more normal color. We checked the date on the box
of pancake mix and, to my dismay, found it was very outdated. As a reference
librarian at an academic institution, I have the ability to search through
many research databases. I did just that, and found an article the next day
that mentioned a 19-year-old male DYING after eating pancakes made with
outdated mix. Apparently, the mold that forms in old pancake mix can be
When we told o ur friends about my son's close call, we were surprised at the
number of people who mentioned that they should check their own pancake mix
since they don't use it often, or they had purchased it some time ago. With
so many people shopping at warehouse-type stores and buying large sizes of
pancake mix, I hope your readers will take the time to check the expiration
date on their boxes. Also, beware of outdated Bisquick, cake, brownie and
Saturday, December 13, 2008
(6 August 2008, Hong Kong) It's raining. You're lonely. Why not?
That was how 41-year-old Xian found himself face down on a bench, and calling for help in the middle of the night. The lonely man had noticed that the steel sit-up benches in LanTian Park had numerous ventilation holes, and thought it might be possible to use them for sexual gratification.
Once Xian became aroused, he found he was stuck and could not remove himself from the hole in the bench. Quite understandably, he panicked. Police received a call from a disturbed man, and arrived to find poor Xian trapped face-down on the bench.
Doctors were summoned to the scene. They tried, but emergency workers had to cut the entire bench free and take him to the hospital.
Four painful hours later, doctors finally separated Xian from his bench. It is certainly possible that the lack of blood flow easily could have caused sufficient damage that doctors would have been forced to remove his penis.
This is a bad date that Xian will never forget.
Here is an actual news story:
A MAN is lucky to still have a penis after he inserted it in a metal park bench and became stuck, doctors say.
At least a dozen police and emergency services workers were called to the park in Hong Kong after 41-year-old Le Xing’s penis became trapped in a hole, apparently after he became aroused.
According to reports from Hong Kong, the “lonely and disturbed” Mr Xing told police he thought it would be fun to have sex with the bench, UK’s The Telegraph reported.
Unfortunately for Mr Xing, news crews descended on the park to film the rescue effort.
Doctors had tried to drain some of Mr Xing’s blood in an attempt to loosen his penis, but to no avail.
Rescuers eventually cut away part of the bench and Mr Xing was taken to hospital where doctors took another four hours to free him.
They said if Mr Xing had been stuck for another hour they would have had to amputate his penis.